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im sure u really dont care
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[26 Dec 2008|02:24am] |
I feel ugly, unwanted, and limited. I want to spread my wings and fly away, but somewhere down the road, they were clipped without me noticing. Please help me...
WHY WONT SOMEONE JUST SAVE ME?!!?!??!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!??!!??!?!
please.
please.
Emarosa - Heads or Tails? Real or Not
You loved it when my heart dropped, you paused, stopped, and walked away
Full of content that it went your way
These cuts that i've caused are never to deep to heal
Peel back the bandage, see a scar from countless careless things
And feel yourself drifting, pulled away
Well nothing feels real anymore
I'm not taking my time anymore
To show you how i feel
To show you who i am
Cause it's locked away
We all need to find our way
Cut the loss, just walk away
Now head towards the light, the dark has no place here
I don't feel real, and don't feel right
This pain is beating.
You don't feel real, I don't feel real
Well nothing feels real anymore
I'm not taking my time anymore
Now head towards the light, the dark has no place here.
Well nothing feels real anymore
I'm not taking my time anymore
To show you how i feel
To show you who i am
Cause it's locked away
The things we think about at night never lose taste
Take the close to find something greater
This wall has finally reached its end
Its higher ground, lets make a stand
Did you ever think that we would get this high
Pull back the sheets to find an ending that you prayed for.
Now head towards the light the dark has no place here.
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[24 Nov 2008|02:51am] |
Oh my life. I want a boy but I need to take the next 6 months off from them. They hurt me and I become someone I don't like. When I'm meant to be happy, truely happy, i will be.
it just sucks. I looked at my past lovers pages and pictures. All seem to be in a relationship or had been with someone for a few months (an gew gross looking someones). I guess I just can't go back. Only forward. I hate heading into the unknown all by myself.
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[19 Nov 2008|04:58pm] |
I need to stop smoking so i can get better, but with all this stress... Its very hard.
I love being in England, but right now, I wish I was at home in Chico.
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[19 Nov 2008|02:22pm] |
So here's the deal livejournal friends: I'm going to be honest with you, and pray that you don't betray this livejournal trust.
I have had the shittiest two weeks of my life.
I am in England right now, studying abroad. Before I left I was in a relationship with a boy. He was a wonderful boy. Jealous sometimes, had no world view, never went to college and lived at home with his parents, but he had personality to boot.
I was having a great time and was in love. We wanted to get married and see the world. I thought he was the greatest guy in the world too because he accepted me for my biggest embarrassement.
1 week after we began dating, I found out I had high-risk HPV. (no the warty kind, the cervix kind). I was devasted. I could not stop crying and I told him an hour after I found out.
He said we were a team and it didnt matter. So everything was fine. It was never an issue. I didn't really take care of myself though to try and get it to go away, because I thought i'd found the boy of my dreams... how wrong was I? He were fine for a few months. Then he cheated the 1st time, said he was blacked out drunk, and I forgave him. I really did. I trusted him again. I thought people deserved second chance... once again, I was wrong.
I went to study abroad and we stayed together. I didnt want to be without him and he without me. We talked constantly, emailed, sent things... everything was good... Until last Monday.
I received an e-mail from his friend telling me he had been cheating on me before I left, had cheated on me while I was away, and was cheating on me with a new girl that very night.
My world collapsed. I called him. He didn't anwser. When i did get ahold of him, he admitted to all of it and told me to Fuck off and never call again. (Later I found out it was because she (the new gf) was standing right there.
I was so hurt. I felt so worthless and unloved. Betrayed. I was scared. I kept thinking, how am i supposed to find someone else who excepts me for this viris. Who else would touch me? I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I just couldnt see a future with myself anymore.
But so now we are done. I had no closure being this far away. No anwsers. So i emailed him asking why this happend. How could he do this? Why couldnt he tell me it was over if he wanted it to be over? Why did he string me along? How could he lie so many times?
And all i got was fuck you. you are crazy. you are a whore. you're a fucking slut. stop writing and calling me. I have a new girlfriend now.
Needless to say, i plunged into a bad place.
The next night I drank 6x the legal amount of alchohal, fell down a flight of stairs, cracked my head open, and had to go to the hospital. (Thank god for socialized medicine!)
And the drama continues. He said he wanted to talk when I got back after hearing what happeend. He said he loved me still. He said that he wanted one last kiss... I said no.
I have a good relationship with his friend and have been emailing him while here. He's nice. But somehow Matt knows about it and threatened to post online that I have HPV.
"go ahead talk to my friends want to spread rumors and games I have some on you ( HP_ ) and others your crazy weird and a WHORE go fuck my friends you whore fuck you die!"
That was the first. They got worse.I recieved about 20 emails saying how i was a slut and that i was a horrible person. and how he didn't love me, and that I was a crazy person. He wondered how he could have ever dated me.
I don't knwo how someone could be so cruel. I asked him that in an email. Why would he threaten that. How could he say something like that. Did he realize that he had it too now? Why did I deserve all this hate and betrayal when I was the loyal one. I was the one that loved him so much.
More horrible emails came my way. Saying aweful things. I told him that turning this on me wasn't goign to make his consceince any better. It was his guilt. not mine.
He sent me another email saying he was sorry. He said he wanted to get together when I got home, but he might bring his new GF along.
I said no. I wasn't going to see her, and asked why he kept throwing her in my face. That wasnt fair.
So I deleted the website we'd created together because I was paying for it. And he was fine with that. I didnt email him for 2 days. And i did research about HPV for the first time. I emailed him with this
"Please be safe, okay?"
I began to feel better. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I stopped smoking too.
Then I received this eamil:
you wnat to know the truth i fucking didn tlove you anymore I fell out of love with you and back into lover with someone else sorry it had to be you to get dumped on, but thats what happen so grow up delete my fucking site get a life get a little better looking and taller then come talk to me peace out SLUT. i tried beong nice now your just a fucking whore in my mind
LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE to trying to fuck them when you get back to make me mad? go ahead it will just make you even worse HPV girl!!!!!!
And now I feel like shit, and I've smoked 2 cigs which is only going to make this viris stay in my system longer. I can't drink because i'll drink into excess and I know this. I can't sleep because I tried that, and keep dreaming that this all never happend. I can't do homework because every time I check my email or something he's there.
I dont knwo what I did to deserve all this cruetly. I loved him. I was loyal. And now I just can't seem to keep my head above water.
Please LJ friends, tell me I can get through all this. Please don't betray my honesty and call for help.
Please.
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[03 Sep 2008|12:06am] |
So the Republican National Convention really kicked off today, and guess what I found out?
Former Senator Fred Thompson is the same guy in Law and Order!
No wonder he gave such a moving and inspirational speech. It was good though.
I still think the Democrats are going to win the election this year. Its too bad though that we have 2 really good candidates (s/p) this year and none in 2004. If I didn't think congress needed a fresh start, something completely new, I'd probably vote for McCain. But he won't back off Iraq and I think leaving Iraq would be a huge weight lifted of Americans' shoulders.
Anyways... New Topic
Studying abroad in 10 days. Leaving a boyfriend here. Not the smartest guy and definitly not the most motivated, but he's mine. Would you try to make it work? Should I stay with him while I am abroad? Am I setting myself up for some heart ache?
He was not faithful one night, and well... I'm the biggest flirt I know. Hmmm..........
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[29 Aug 2008|03:47pm] |
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I have become an alcohalic. And not a very classy one at that.
Fuck.
I gave up pott, I can give up booze.
I have completely regressed this summmer. I need to grow up. Not grow more immature.
Fuck.
MARCIA, GROW UP. STOP LUSHING. BE NICE!
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[28 Aug 2008|07:47pm] |
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GO OBAMA!
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[25 Aug 2008|08:53pm] |
Im really scared that things may really be over between Matt and I. He pushed me to my limit and I think I finally pushed him to his.
Why? How could he just be soo lazy and forgetful, and unmotivated and be living at home with this parents at the age of 22 and be happy? Being poor and at home and not doing anything to further yourself as a person or professional would not make me happy. Id feel like a waste of space.
But its his life. but what does that say about a future? His friends lie and use him for his car. I just wanted him to grow up a little bit.
But then again, who I am to try and change somebody.
Thats why its probably better we aren't together. We are different people and its not fair of me to ask him to be anything other than himself.
What happpened to my boyfriend that I met in March? Where did he go?
Im such a lush and a dumb fuck and I'm ready to grow up too. I want him to with me. I wanted to move in together eventually. I loved being his partner. But not when things aren't honest, and not where I am the adult and he's the child.
Whatever.
What is love to me?
Love is accepting somebody for their faults and seeing the good in someone even in a bad situation. Love is not easy, nor is always kind. Love is worth the biggest leap's of faith though, and has the power to change one's life.
I'm in love... possibly with the wrong person though.
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| Writer's Block: The Only True Question: |
[30 May 2008|01:41am] |
Pirates win the battle between pirates and ninjas hands down. While ninjas can do some cool tricks, pirates have got all the cool accessories, friends, and clothes.
Ninjas are loners, pirates have friends.
Ninjas wear black, pirates wear whatever they want.
Ninjas have swords and stars, but so do pirates plus canons, gold, a parrot, and a boat.
Pirates win.
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| It's everthing you want but terrified to dream. |
[21 May 2008|08:56am] |
I guess if u asked me, the present and past movitaions have vasrlt changed.
Ealry jounalsim, back when we fought for truth, it was about informing and motivating the masses.
Now its about how to make a profit in print and other, multimedia, forms of the news.
And while money does mean something, staying true to the craft...Well.. I'd do it if only for the expierence.
World, wait for it.
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[18 May 2008|09:23pm] |
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What am I really good at?
I feel like a dumb, untalented college student.
I thought we weren't supposed to feel this way?
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[08 May 2008|03:21pm] |
I’m really worried that I have lost my focus here in college. I came here to perfect my craft, to have my voice heard, and to change the world. I knew I wanted to be a journalist and be apart of the media. I had a drive to succeed in the profession of my choice and to have fun doing so. This was evident as I jumped into the journalism program as a freshman.
But I feel like I haven’t been doing that anymore. I go to class, taken notes and tests, and am told that these things are preparing me for my future career, for when I get thrown into the real world. But this prepartion has not been my focus.
I have had a job most of my college career and my focus has been to schedule my classes around my job and to go to work. I have scheduled my school events around it and not been able to attend many things because of my responsibility to it. I have been more concerned with becoming independent and making enough money to live comfortably now, than really doing what I came to college to do.
This deeply worries me. I came to be apart of the media, and I have found my way into sales. Sales is a lucrative industry but definitely not fun and sometimes unethical. And I am fully aware of my situation.
I should be concerned with the here and now. My future career should have begun a year ago and I should have been taking the right steps to ensure this. But I haven’t. The oppurtunies to find my niche and to figure out what I truly love about the media have been presented, but I have not been able to take part.
I’ve had to worry about keeping my job, making enough money to not to ask my parents for much, and building my resume.
Now, as an opportunity has presented itself once more, these things seem less and less important. The chance to find something I love to do seems worth putting those other things on the line. And frankly, even if I fail, I think it would be worth it.
Unfortunatly I dont think I will be able to. Hopefully I dont find myself with a BA in journalism and working at a coffee shop in Bay Area.
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[08 May 2008|03:14pm] |
I’m really worried that I have lost my focus here in college. I came here to perfect my craft, to have my voice heard, and to change the world. I knew I wanted to be a journalist and be apart of the media. I had a drive to succeed in the profession of my choice and to have fun doing so. This was evident as I jumped into the journalism program as a freshman.
But I feel like I haven’t been doing that anymore. I go to class, taken notes and tests, and am told that these things are preparing me for my future career, for when I get thrown into the real world. But this prepartion has not been my focus.
I have had a job most of my college career and my focus has been to schedule my classes around my job and to go to work. I have scheduled my school events around it and not been able to attend many things because of my responsibility to it. I have been more concerned with becoming independent and making enough money to live comfortably now, than really doing what I came to college to do.
This deeply worries me. I came to be apart of the media, and I have found my way into sales. Sales is a lucrative industry but definitely not fun and sometimes unethical. And I am fully aware of my situation.
I should be concerned with the here and now. My future career should have begun a year ago and I should have been taking the right steps to ensure this. But I haven’t. The oppurtunies to find my niche and to figure out what I truly love about the media have been presented, but I have not been able to take part.
I’ve had to worry about keeping my job, making enough money to not to ask my parents for much, and building my resume.
Now, as an opportunity has presented itself once more, these things seem less and less important. The chance to find something I love to do seems worth putting those other things on the line. And frankly, even if I fail, I think it would be worth it.
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[28 Apr 2008|04:57pm] |
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I think i'm done with it all. I think i'm done with the bars and drinking. I think i'm done with the parties and going out. Its expensive and not worth it that night or the next morning. I dont like who it makes me or how i feel before, during and after. None of it is actually real. Its all a dumbed down version of life.
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[24 Apr 2008|12:31am] |
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It’s been a month and a half A whirl wind of a ride This feeling has been growing in me It comes from deep inside We’ve laughed a lot And we’ve talked about seeing the world You’ve held me so close You’ve called me your girl I smile when I think about you A sense of comfort when you’re around This feeling is overwhelming My feet haven’t touched the ground Since you swept me off my them I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve Hoping you would take it. I can’t believe you want to be with me. I think I love you boy. And I think you love me I can see it in your eyes And I’d do anything for you baby
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[06 Apr 2008|09:26pm] |
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What is the world coming to? Never ending debt. The rich get richer and poor fight amongst themselves for the scraps that are left. Mass manipulation being preformed by the very people we've come to believe protect us! And the glue that holds our moral framework together is a toxin that divides us against each other.
I just watched the movie Zeitgeist, and it has changed my perspective of the world, religion and man. Regardless if everything the movie claimed true was, it makes you think.
I find it unsettling to have to believe that people aren't inherently thinking about what goes on around them. I find it even more disturbing that a few people, those who are informed, choose to take advantage of the latter, manipulate them, and steal the very thing most hold so dear. Their freedom.
Their freedom to choose. Their freedom to fight. Their freedom to live. Hell, my freedom to live! Our freedom to be human is being stripped away, and we haven't taken notice of it yet?!
And what if we have? What has been done? Nothing.
What if we wanted to? What can be done? The movie said to get angry. The movie said to take back control and be human.
I say it's not that easy. And I ask, where do we start?
If this is the world we live in, my religion, my academics, my concept of how the world works suddenly doesn't mean as much as it used to. Those things have lost their value because I am an object, I am replaceable, and I am a means to get what someone else wants.
And my first reaction is to be angry, and my second is to be sad.
Because how can I direct my anger in any direction when I'm lost in this new world I've suddent been exposed to?
Up is down. Down is to the left. And what is right is now in the pocket of a man who can't see past the end of his own nose.
This movie left me wanting to change the situation and fix the wrongs that have been done. But with a problem so big, and no suggestions on how to get the job started, what are we supposed to do?
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| work in progress.... |
[24 Mar 2008|09:11pm] |
So I've been told that God never gives you more than you can handle.
Ask and you shall recieve
But I'm tired of relying on someone else to run my life.
I've blamed him with things when wrong.
and I've thanked him when things went right.
I've asked him why he's made things so hard.
And I've asked him why.
They say he'll give you the strength to over come.
and I've credited him with the strength to get me through hard times
But I'm tired of giving credit to where credit was not due.
It was MY strength, MY expierences have gotten me here today.
I'm tired of blame and crediting someone else for my life.
Its my life.
Its my responsiblity to make sure I do the right things.
And when I do, it was because of my knowlegdge, my passion, and my strength.
Its was those that got my through the hard times.
Its was those that got me here.
They say whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
And thats something I do believe.
Its been that mentality that's brought me here.
It was my strength that helped my overcome my hurdle.
Not anyone elses.
I had to learn to be smart.
I had to learn to make my own luck.
Fate has thrown me alot of cards
I've learned when to walk softly around the corner
I've learned when to bet big.
No one else brought me to this point but me.
I can't blame, credit, and therefore rely on anyone or anything else.
Just me.
God, I don't need your strenght. I dont want your luck.
Fate, keep throwing things at me.
I will learn to push you right out of the pot.
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[20 Mar 2008|05:11pm] |
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I think my life is going to be crazy once the summer hits and I'm so excited for it. I talked to a man at the local rock radio station up here in Chico, and there are summer interinship possiblities. I would be learning to plan events, shows and live broadcasts. I think that would be amazing!
I could finally put what I have been learning to some good use. You can only apply so much honesty and promotion to selling cell phones. At some point, they always think you are trying to screw them over and the product isn't as good as you say it is. I don't think I'd run into that with this type of job.
I've been thinking about what I want to do with my B.A. when I'm done with Chico. I still want to write, but writing can be applied to so many industries and tasks. I have seriously been considering event planning or promotion. After trying to find place to apply to here in Chico, I'm thinking this summer internship is the best option. The only downside would be the lack of funds coming in during the summer and a 3 month trip to Europe to prep for.
Thank God for my grandma. She is the greatest, most giving person. With her help, I have Europe paid for. My big concern is what happens when I get back from Europe. I dont want to work. I want to do internships and be emmersed in my studies.
But thats all in the future. And as exciting as my future sounds, my present is quite the ride.
I can't believe I've met such a great person. He is interesting, funny, talkative, creative and just so full of life. Its so contagious and I feel like when I'm around him, that sense of life fills me. I really had given up on Chico. I thought this fair city could not produce men. All I had seen were boys, getting drunk, doing drugs, and passing the day away until their time in Chico was done. Short term goals and no dreams or aspirations...girl, please. Ha.
I knew that turning 21 was the transition I needed. I looked forward to the new start or clean slate that a birthday offers a person. I had no idea though that this year was going to start of with such a bang. I hope it last the entire time. If not, I promise, no matter what I say later, right now, i'm enjoying this awesome ride.
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[15 Mar 2008|04:14am] |
its crazy to think that I was falling in love this time 4 years ago.
It was the greatest admiration and whirlwind that i've expierenced.
Whats even more crazy is that there is the potential for it to start again.
If it doesn't, it was a nice thought. (oh nice thoughts, nice thoughts...)
But its crazy look back and know that.
This was the point of having a livejournal.
I wanted to be able to remember those feelings and expierences.
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[13 Mar 2008|11:33pm] |
Jesse and me hung out tonight...smokin'... She said the nicest thing. I really never knew till tonight how she felt about me. I thought it was something completely different than what I expected.
I know its crazy to say this. I never knew what one of my best friends thought of me. How can that be? Why are we best friends then? I love this girl; we have the best talks. But I haven't known her opinion of me till tonight.
It was like one of those thing that touches your heart. I makes you smile.
Wow.
I can say only this. I would not trade that moment and feeling. It was about validating a belief about yourself. I wanted to be that person. Our talk tonight told me I was. That meant so much to me.
She is one of my best friends and soon to be once again roommate.
I remember meeting her. I met Jesse before Rae. We've been friends since day one. She was scared of me. and I thought she was the coolest person.
And she is.
So if you meet her, your lucky. I was lucky. If I wasn't her friend, I might not have felt so good tonight.
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